Friday, October 28, 2005

The Secret Life of Dennis

wonkette

Here's definitive proof that the GOP is in serious trouble:
House Speaker Dennis Hastert has launched his own blog.
It's called "Speaker's Journal," and we're reluctant to forward the URL on to you, for the simple reason that your mind will be so thoroughly blown as to never again return. Why, just check out the title of the first entry: "Welcome to my blog." The Speaker proceeds to describe his maiden foray into yon blogosphere in the same dutiful cadence that 7th graders reserve for their book reports:

This is new to me. I can’t say I’m much of a techie. I guess you could say my office is teaching the old guy new tricks. But I’m excited. This is the future. And it is a new way for us to get our message out.
Most of you know me as a coach by nature so I hope this gives you some inside access to the Republican playbook.


There is, we admit, something hypnotic about Hastert's deadpan delivery of allegedly important dispatches from his cranium; somehow the one-two punch of "I'm excited. This is the future" has us unfortunately contemplating the kind of terse randy talk that must accompany the Speaker's foreplay, e.g. "Baby, yes. I would like to sex you up."

But we digress. So what's in the exciting Republican playbook? Inside dope on damage-control strategies for Tom DeLay? News of campaign strategies for 2006? Handicapping the likelihood of Fitzgerald indictments?

Uhm, well, not so much. There's some rambling about having the victims of Hurrican Wilma in our thoughts and prayers--evidently the Speaker's staff has taught him the new trick of not greeting large-scale human tragedy with talk of steamrollers. And from there, some thoughts about how to get more American natural gas refineries online. Kicking off that section is this world-shaking pronouncement: "This is America. And Republicans don’t believe in punishing success." True, it's long been our position that blogs should carry more frequent reminders of the country they're composed in--using the same reasoning by which all major sporting events begin with the Star Spangled Banner. But we think the Speaker could use a bit of assistance in refining his blog voice--and it just so happens there's an accomplished GOP blogger on the block with a lot of time on her hands. --HOLLY MARTINS

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